Sarah vs The Dear John
by Whiskeyflips
Summary: Sarah attempts to close the door on a part of her life that's over, as she prepares to start a new life with Chuck. Set in between scenes towards the end of Chuck vs the American Hero.


_A/N: I'm still working on Reconquista, but when this idea popped into my head today, it wouldn't let go, so I decided to get it out of my head on onto a page as soon as possible._

_This takes place towards the very end of "Chuck vs. The American Hero"._

_Congratulations to Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg on their engagement. Jenny of course played the wicked Syliva in "Chuck vs the Suburbs", and Donnie plays Danny Reagan on my other favorite TV show, Blue Bloods._

_I'm taking this as an omen that I should go right into my Chuck/Blue Bloods crossover story as soon as I'm done Reconquista. Now if I can only figure out how the good guys win._

_Please enjoy, and don't forget to post a review!_

* * *

**Sarah vs the "Dear John"**

_Don't go. Don't do it. Leave with me instead. Tonight at 7:00. Union Station - we go to Mexico and after that anywhere that you want. I would, however like to go and see the Eiffel Tower at some point if that's at all possible. Don't answer now. Don't say a word. I don't want to have to convince you. I just want you to show up. I'm going to kiss you now, if that's okay._

_I'm going to go home and pack, both summer and winter wear. I love you, Sarah Walker. I always have._

* * *

Making ready to leave Masion23 for the last time, Sarah snapped together the buckles on her satchel bag, and left it on the bed with a frown. It was a shame that, despite the number of times she'd fallen asleep in this bed with torrid dreams of Chuck Bartowski, she'd never get the chance to make any of them come true in exact detail, with this bed as the setting. She wondered where she'd spend tonight with him- or indeed if tonight would truly be her first time with him. Barstow and Prague had taught her never to be confident to the point taking impending intimacy with Chuck for granted. Would they take coach on their train from L.A., and postpone their getting together one more night? Would they spring for a sleeper cabin if one were available on such short notice? Would they succumb to their passions and simply rent the cheapest hotel in the La Puebla area for the night and worry about running the next day? Wherever it was, it surely wasn't going to be on this bed.

Sarah looked around the luxurious hotel room and heaved a sigh. Her real life, her actual property, all fit nicely into the bag she had just packed. Everything else, including the hotel room, was CIA issue, and she was leaving it behind.

Including the laptop computer.

After debating for about a minute, she walked over to the desk and opened up the word processer program. It wasn't that she really wanted to linger on a heartfelt goodbye to Daniel Shaw, but she did want to make it clear to at least one person at the CIA that she and Chuck were not coming back, and that their departure was of their own accord, not the result of any enemy action. Casey already knew that they'd be outbound – he'd been by earlier, and wouldn't think it odd that she and Chuck simply disappeared. Shaw and Beckman on the other hand might suspect a kidnapping and worry for the wrong reasons. Oh they weren't going to take this well of course, but she didn't want them to suspect foul play.

The word processor awakened, and Sarah's fingers got busy.

* * *

_Dear Daniel_

_ By the time you read this, you will have made a full recovery; will be out of the hospital, and with a clean bill of health with the Agency. I'm glad for you, and wish you well on the rest of your career. _

_ Chuck and I, on the other hand will be well away from the Greater Los Angeles area, and will have been off the grid for some hours, possibly several days. He and I are not coming back to the Agency, and it's my hope that we'll be spending the rest of our lives together. I don't know where, or how, but I know that I'd rather be anywhere with Chuck than anywhere without him._

_ I'm sorry for the lie I told you a few nights ago. I'm sorry that I told you I was no longer in love with Chuck. It was much more true that I was no longer in love with this career that so casually justifies taking decent, noble heroic men like him, and turning them into unquestioning assassins. _

_ A few weeks ago, I told you that as I was watching Chuck loose himself, I was fearful of forgetting who I ever was to begin with. There once was a time before my own Red Test when I liked myself. Since then I've worked with and against almost nobody but killers, and very little of whom I was before remained. That changed when I was assigned to work so closely with Chuck, who quickly saw in me a good person. I don't know why or how he did, but he decided to find the good in me, the part of me that respects myself, and tells me that I deserve to be happy and content. _

_Chuck didn't reach back and save the frightened, angry woman/girl that I was ten or twenty years ago – he rebuilt me almost entirely from the pieces that I allowed him to see. The truth is that there is no Sam, any more than there is a Jenny Burton, Rebecca Franco or Katie O'Donnell. Sam is gone, as surely as she herself were the victim of a Red Test. Sarah Walker is my real name now. It's the name Chuck knows me as, the name that makes me feel most like a real person, and the name that I want to carry for the rest of my life, unless one day Chuck wants to change it to "Bartowski"._

_Chuck is not a perfect man, and he has on some occasions hurt me – but almost never out of selfishness. Rather the worst grief he's ever caused me was when he was trying to do what he felt was the right thing. He's frightened me on multiple occasions by risking his life attempting to save others, including yesterday. You've often criticized him for his emotions … but Daniel, you're only alive to read this because of Chuck's emotions. He made it to the warehouse to rescue you from the bombing attack. Before he did, he locked me into Castle, since he was correctly worried that I would try to stop him from saving you. And so, for the umpteenth time, I had to watch Chuck nearly die to save someone he cared about. He cares about you for two reasons- you're part of his team, and he knows that you're important to me._

_Spies do have emotions Daniel. We just get emotional at the right times and about the right things. You were wrong when you tried to convince Chuck otherwise. I've known that in my heart for a year or more. In recent months, I tried to forget it – tried to forget it because opening my heart to Chuck caused me pain about 8 months ago. I thought the answer to that pain was to regret having opened my heart at all. To think like you do. It wasn't. The right road to take would have been to argue and have it out with Chuck, and learn why he was doing what he was doing, and tell him why I wanted him to do differently._

_It was because of my brief refuge in emotionlessness that you and I happened, Daniel. It was, I'm sorry to say, a mistake. You're not a bad man, but you are bad for me, and right now you're bad for any woman who demands to be loved. I thought is was bad enough when Chuck caused me pain because he careed about other people, but the pain you caused me yesterday was because you hated other people. You were ready to die not to save or rescue anyone, but because you wanted to destroy the Ring – in a building that turned out to have no Ring operatives. Obviously the goal- actually in this case the illusion- of the Ring's destruction outweighed the allure of any future you could possibly have with me, and you chose it in a heartbeat. I've decided that I will never feel that way again._

_I have no doubt you loved Evelynn, and that you hate the Ring for taking her from you. I never met her, but I bet we would have gotten along well. I can only guess this much about her- if she loved you, she wouldn't have wanted to see your life end, to see you reduced to a weapon whose only drive is to destroy enemies. I've lost people as well- never a spouse, granted, but people I've cared about- and I've hated the people who did it. I too have gotten back at those people, but since Chuck, I've always had more to my life than my hate. I've lived too long as a human weapon, a machine that infiltrates, seduces and destroys, and I want to stop. Falling in love with Chuck taught me that there can be more to life than the ending of it for others. Perhaps the right woman will come along and teach you to love again, to work to build something with someone, and not just to avenge that what you've lost. By so doing she'll bring you back to the world of humans. It happened for me when I didn't expect it. I hope it will happen for Casey. It happened for you when you met Evelynn, and I hope it can happen for you again._

_ Sincerely, _

_ Former Agent Sarah Walker_

_PS: Beckman will of course be unhappy that Chuck and I are running away, and will no doubt launch a manhunt. Chuck will be with me, and I'll teach him everything I know about evasion and living off the grid. I like our chances, particularly with the head start._

_ Someone at the Agency might come upon the idea of using Chuck's family and friends as leverage to get us to turn ourselves in. Applying pressure to Morgan, Ellie, Devon, or Stephen will only serve to distress Chuck- and infuriate me. Avoid making this mistake. You have lectured before that emotions make us weak and vulnerable. Please confer with Mr. Colt and Lt. Mauser as to precisely how weak and vulnerable I am when I'm emotional. One will be more talkative than the other, but both will have critical lessons to impart._

* * *

Sarah printed the note, folded it, wrote "Daniel Shaw" on it, and left it by the computer, where the eventual search team would be sure to find it in a matter of hours or days when Chuck and her disappearance was noted.

Slinging both her satchel bag and her purse over her shoulders, she stopped briefly as she considered the weight of her purse. Her S&amp;W 5906 might only cause trouble at Union Station, and perhaps tip off people as to her whereabouts. Smiling, she pulled weapon, tossed it on the bed for the search team to find, and started to make her way towards the door. Her new life would be waiting for her on the other side of it.


End file.
